In this response to R.O. Kwon’s recent Time article, “The Parents Who Regret Having Children,” I aim to share my personal journey, thoughts, and reactions to the complex and often stigmatized subject of parental regret. Kwon’s article explores a reality many parents face but seldom voice: the regret of having children.
Before Having a Child (And to Those Who Do Not Want to Have Kids)
I once believed I would never have a child. My husband and I spent 13 blissful years of marriage child-free, a choice that brought us immense fulfillment. Our life without children was rich and satisfying, and we proved to ourselves that a child-free existence can be equally rewarding. If you’re contemplating parenthood and feel that remaining child-free would make you happier, I urge you to confidently pursue your own path without succumbing to societal pressures.
Regarding societal pressure, I would also like to share my own experience, which is very different from the author’s. Upon reading the article, Kwon reflects on often-heard societal expectations: “No one regrets having a child, or so it’s said.”
Yet, my reality has been quite the opposite. When asked about children, my response of not planning to have any has generally been met with respect or even admiration, rather than dissent. Many have commented positively, noting that it’s wise to think these decisions through or observing that opting out of parenting is a modern trend among thoughtful couples. I am a Korean-American like Kwon, and my circle of friends includes Koreans in Korea and other countries, Korean-Americans, and people from a diverse range of backgrounds. The reactions from all these diverse groups were mostly positive and respectful.
Only a few, over those 13 child-free years, hinted that perhaps having children could enhance my life. They always spoke with caution, sharing from their personal journeys rather than imposing their views. It was therefore quite surprising when Kwon noted that some people asserted she would eventually become a parent—what a presumptuous assumption!
Maybe I was just lucky. But what I want to say here is, don’t assume that people will automatically judge you negatively or insist that you are wrong and must have children if you decide not to. The world has changed, and more people than you might expect can understand and support the decision not to have children. So don’t worry about what others think; stand firm in your convictions, speak openly about your choices, and if necessary, dismiss any rudeness or presumption with confidence. Remember, your life choices are valid and deserving of respect.
An Unexpected Turn: Discovering Pregnancy
Yes, despite my certainty about not wanting a child, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Life, as it turns out, can defy even the most deliberate plans. Despite all rational precautions, I was reminded that no contraceptive method is foolproof. Initially, the pregnancy led me into a deep depression. However, when I learned I was having a daughter, something inside me shifted dramatically. Whether it was a son or a daughter didn’t matter; knowing something tangible about this tiny being made her real and changed my entire outlook. Even now, it feels miraculous how my heart changed so suddenly.
Life After Becoming a Parent
Motherhood proved to be more demanding than I had anticipated. I had always prided myself on my hard work and achievements, but the challenges of motherhood were of a completely different magnitude. Perhaps the hardest part has been the loss of agency—my life often seems dictated more by my child’s needs than my own.
So I can wholeheartedly empathize with all the parents quoted in Kwon’s article. All the individuals featured in the article love their children deeply and are doing their best for them, yet it’s incredibly challenging. It might be that trying to do well makes it even harder. From my experience teaching, I’ve noticed that the students who struggle most with studying are those who try the hardest. Those aiming for an A might forego sleep to meet their goals, finding their studies arduous. However, those who are happy with a passing grade might not find studying as demanding. Sometimes, I gave extra credit for attending related university events and writing a simple reflection. Almost always, the students who didn’t need the extra points were the ones who participated.
In parenting, just like other areas of life, it seems that those who work the hardest often face the toughest challenges. Reading about the individuals in the article, their profound love and effort for their children moved me deeply. They struggle with the disappearance of their own lives while fervently wishing the best for their children. This honest revelation of the hardships of parenting made me truly grateful to both the parents who participated in the interviews and the author who penned this article.
Embracing Life’s Unexpected Journeys
Despite my initial fear, I have come to enjoy motherhood immensely. Given that everyone’s situation is different, it’s difficult to make sweeping statements about parenthood. However, I wanted to share how my initial regret and fear turned into joy and fulfillment, as one of many different perspectives and experiences of parenthood.
1. Motherhood as a Path to Self-Improvement
One of my secrets is that I love self-improvement books. Actually, besides anyone who reads this post, my husband is the only person who knows that I enjoy reading these books. I don’t only read self-improvement books, but I find them particularly enjoyable and beneficial.
I have never revealed this to anyone else because many of my friends have posted on social media about how they find self-improvement books useless, repetitive, and shallow. Despite telling myself not to care about what others think, I realize that I disliked the idea of my intelligent friends looking down on me.
However, learning how others improve themselves and applying those lessons to grow is not a bad thing, right?
Everyone defines self-improvement differently. For me, self-improvement means maximizing my talents, sharing this rich life with others within the time and abilities I have, and learning and experiencing as much as possible. I see the world as a vast travel destination, here to be explored and experienced to the fullest.
I have found that nothing aids self-improvement quite like parenting. After having a child, I met people and visited places I would never have encountered otherwise. My husband and I often say, “We would never have come here if it weren’t for our child.” “If it weren’t for our daughter, we wouldn’t have become so close with our neighbors.” That’s why we always say, “Thanks to our daughter,” instead of “Because of our daughter.”
I believe this is a good thing. Just as the world is beautiful because of its diverse seasons, our lives become more beautiful when we experience a variety of things. Parenting has also made my life healthier. With the limited time I have, I now use my time more wisely and focus on what truly matters. I have adopted healthier habits through my child (such as no screen time at night), eating healthier, trying to go to bed at the same time, learning to say “no” more effectively, and prioritizing my time and relationships better than ever before.
Since my child was born, I have achieved a better work-life balance. Previously, I used to work continuously and then take breaks sporadically. Now, daily happiness and relaxation are integrated into my routine. Despite the busy and chaotic nature of parenting, I can focus on what is most important.
Deciding to use parenting as an avenue for self-improvement transformed the way I see the challenges of raising a child. When my child has tantrums, I see it as an opportunity to develop my patience. Playing with my child allows me to rediscover the pure joy of play. Encouraging my child to eat healthily also helps me maintain my own health.
Although I need to focus on my child often, I also think about how to use this short time together to further my own growth. Viewing parenting through this lens makes me grateful for the opportunity to grow and develop alongside my child.
2. Seeing Myself as I See My Daughter
I started to view myself through the same loving lens with which I view my child.
While parents are often told not to impose their desires on their children, I do have hopes for my daughter’s life. I wish for her to be healthy in body and mind, to find true happiness without worrying about others’ opinions, to live a life filled with gratitude and joy, to respect others and find joy in togetherness, to understand how vast the world is and to explore it extensively, and to have a wide range of experiences. Most importantly, I hope my child will have no fear of failure. I want her to enjoy the process, challenge herself, and if she fails, to try again without hesitation.
As I nurture these hopes and dreams for my child, I have begun to realize that I have not been living this way myself. The biggest revelation was that while I wished for my daughter to live fearlessly and embrace challenges, I was paralyzed by my own fears. Fear of failure and fear of others’ judgments prevented me from pursuing what I truly wanted.
This realization gave me the courage to tackle things I had previously been afraid to try. It empowered me to take on challenges that I had only thought about but never acted on. I resigned from my professorship without any regrets, and although the path ahead is still long, I find immense joy and gratitude in each day as I persist toward my goals.
One of the greatest gifts that motherhood has given me is the forced reevaluation of what truly matters in my life. Just as I want the best for my child, I have also started to contemplate the kind of life I genuinely want to live. Watching my child grow so quickly has instilled in me a sense of urgency and a renewed focus on my own well-being and aspirations. In essence, the meaning of life itself has changed for me, all thanks to my child.
3. Reconnecting with My Childhood Self
Sometimes, when I see traits in my child that remind me of myself, I feel like I am reconnecting with my childhood self.
Just before I decided not to have a child, I made a list of countless reasons why I shouldn’t, and one significant reason was that I didn’t want to relive my childhood indirectly through my child. When I made this decision, I was in my late twenties and very much appreciated no longer being a child or a teenager. By the time I was in my thirties, I was even more grateful not to be in my teens or twenties anymore. I enjoyed distancing myself from my younger, struggling self.
However, after having a child, I realized that reliving those childhood years doesn’t have to be a negative experience. Nowadays, there is a wealth of research and knowledge about child development and parenting that didn’t exist during my childhood. As I read these books and studies, I often think about how different my upbringing could have been. If I had been disciplined more kindly, if I had heard encouraging words, if someone had understood my feelings back then—it could have made a world of difference.
These thoughts allow me to meet my childhood self again and provide the comforting words I needed but never heard. This process has been incredibly healing for me. I also realize that back then, people didn’t have access to the understanding and resources that are available now. This perspective has helped me let go of some of the resentment I held towards those who cared for me, replacing it with gratitude for their efforts despite the lack of knowledge.
Another gift that motherhood has given me is the ability to confront my past and embrace my younger self with warmth. It has allowed me to offer the compassion and understanding that I needed back then, ultimately fostering a sense of peace and gratitude for those who raised me.
4. Parenting Has Filled My Life with Gratitude
After having a child, I began to appreciate things that I had previously taken for granted. For example, on weekends, when my husband and I sleep in with our child and then go out for a late brunch, I am deeply grateful for the people working at the restaurant. These individuals, who could very well be parents themselves, are working on weekends. Thanks to them, I can enjoy time with my family. Now, whenever I go to a restaurant, I am incredibly thankful for the convenience of having delicious food readily available without the need for extensive preparation.
This gratitude extends beyond restaurants to every place I visit with my child. The people working there are often sacrificing their own time with their families to provide services to us. For instance, my child and I often visit the library on weekends, and I appreciate the librarians who spend their weekends helping families like ours enjoy a love of reading. Their dedication enriches our weekends, and I am grateful for their service.
When I shared this thought with a friend, they remarked that these workers are just earning money, so there’s no need to feel overly thankful. However, regardless of their reasons for working, I appreciate their efforts because they enable my family to have a wonderful time together.
I also appreciate the playgrounds, parks, and numerous wonderful places where I can take my child. These places, and the people who created them, have enriched our lives. Recently, I took my child to a children’s theater performance on the weekend, and I felt immense gratitude toward the actors and staff. While they pursue their dreams through these performances, they are also working on weekends, likely away from their own families. This realization filled me with deep gratitude.
I am also thankful for my child’s teachers for teaching my daughter and letting her have a great time at school. I am grateful for my child’s wonderful friends and their caregivers who are raising them with such care. Even when my child’s only pair of rain pants gets soaked and muddy, I am incredibly thankful that we have a washing machine and dryer to clean and dry them so they can be worn again the next day. When my child is having a great time with her toys, I feel grateful to the people who created them.
Moreover, raising a child has profoundly changed my perspective on humanity itself. I have come to realize that no child grows up in isolation. Every individual, regardless of their background, has been shaped by the care, attention, and nurturing of others. Even those who may have experienced neglect or a lack of care had people in their lives who contributed to their upbringing in some way. This realization has deepened my appreciation for the silent, often unnoticed efforts of countless individuals who support and sustain our society.
For those who have had to grow up largely on their own, relying on their strength and determination, my respect and admiration have only grown. Their incredible resilience and efforts to navigate life independently are truly inspiring. These individuals embody a remarkable spirit of perseverance. Their self-reliance demonstrates that human potential can flourish even in the most challenging circumstances.
This newfound perspective has also enhanced my interactions with others. I now see each person as a product of countless acts of kindness, support, and guidance. This understanding has fostered a deeper sense of empathy and connection with those around me, making me more appreciative of the collective human experience that binds us all together.
Before having a child, I did not feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude. However, after becoming a parent, I started to notice and appreciate things that were previously invisible to me. My life has been filled with gratitude, and this has made me happier than ever. My child has brought more happiness into my life by making me more appreciative of the world around me.
5. The Opportunity to Love Freely
Love is one of the most discussed yet challenging aspects of human experience. The act of giving and receiving love can fill us with immense happiness and deep joy that nothing else can provide. However, loving someone is not always easy. It requires us to confront our fears and vulnerabilities. We often wonder how our expressions of love will be received and whether the person we love will reciprocate. At times, we give our hearts completely to someone, only to face the pain of separation when that love can no longer be sustained.
In this context, the opportunity to love a child is incredibly profound. A child gives us permission to love deeply and unreservedly. While the parent-child relationship is not always perfect, it offers a unique chance to love and be loved unconditionally. Parents might think that they are the ones giving all the love to their children, and in Korea, parental love is sometimes even described as unrequited love. However, every parent who has raised a young child knows the overwhelming, almost unimaginable, love that a child can give. This love is so vast that it makes the love a parent gives to a child seem small in comparison.
As my child grows older, becomes a teenager, and eventually an adult, there will undoubtedly be times of conflict, disappointment, and hurt feelings. But even then, the fact that I can continue to love my child, even if they push me away, is a testament to the incredible bond we share. Being a mother has given me the gift of loving without limits, knowing that my love for my child will endure no matter what challenges we face.
Closing Words: What We Choose to See
My life is far from perfect. Some of my friends, who have achieved immense social success, might look at my life and pity me, wondering why I live the way I do. However, regardless of my social title or status, I feel more fulfilled and happier than ever because I chose to live this way.
You may have heard of the famous Invisible Gorilla Experiment by Christopher Chabris and Daniel Simons. In this study, participants watched a video of students passing a basketball and were asked to count the number of passes made by players in white shirts. Midway through the video, a person in a gorilla suit walked into the scene, beat their chest, and exited. Astonishingly, about half of the participants, focused on counting the passes, failed to notice the gorilla. This phenomenon, known as selective attention and inattentional blindness, is something I believe many parents experience as well. Often, in the hustle and fatigue of parenting, we can become so absorbed in the tasks and challenges that we miss the joys and pleasures that come from spending time with our children.
My intention in writing this is not to preach blind optimism. I’ve had my share of challenging times, and I know that unrelenting positivity can sometimes invalidate genuine struggles. Additionally, this blind optimism can cause us to overlook societal issues that need to be addressed. For example, consider the cost of daycare and preschool. Many families struggle or are discouraged from having children due to the lack of maternity leave and the financial burden of childcare. These societal issues that make raising children difficult must be discussed and changed.
The reason I wrote this is not to claim that having and raising children is always wonderful. I hope to share my perspective carefully and sincerely, to show that there are moments of joy in parenting that are worth noticing.
Ultimately, as the pioneering psychologist and philosopher William James (1842-1910) said, “The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.” This profound insight emphasizes that our perception and attitude shape our reality. By choosing to focus on the joys of parenting, we can enhance our experiences and find greater fulfillment with our children.
